January is upon us, which means resolutions are on everyone’s mind. Hoping to get back to the gym? Aiming to read a new book every month? We’ve all got goals for the new year, which got us to thinking: What if our favorite Disney Villains realized the error of their ways and made resolutions of their own? We decided to help a few of ‘em along with some ideas.
Maleficent—Find a new social circle. So she lost touch with Stefan, wasn’t invited to the christening of his newborn daughter, and then placed a curse on the baby… she was just misunderstood, right? Maybe a new group of friends would help her out of her social rut.
Ursula—Take voice lessons. Truly, everyone (even those with pitch problems) can learn to sing a tune or two well, if given the right tools. Ursula just needs a really good vocal coach and she might leave Ariel alone forever. (Bonus: It’s been recently proven that singing show tunes improves your health!)
Captain Hook—Find his inner “Pan.” Look, we get it; Peter is responsible for Hook’s fear of crocodiles, and it certainly seems like the good captain is allergic to any kind of fun. But we feel he might relax a bit if he found his inner child. Coloring, jumping in puddles, and decorating cookies might be a start.
Hades—Update your resume. Let’s face it, Hades needs a new gig. He despises the Underworld and is willing to overthrow Zeus to get out of his dark and depressing duties. So let’s make 2016 the year of the job hunt. (Might we also suggest some online classes in management and public relations?)
Scar—Spend more time with family. Mufasa’s brother is the veritable “black sheep” of the family, forever hurt that his older brother was chosen to be king. But blood is thicker than water, and maybe some quality time with his clan will help him see the error of his ways.
Queen of Hearts—Learn a new sport (Alternately: Take croquet lessons.) We could’ve gone for a “manage your anger”-style of New Year’s Resolution for our favorite lady in red, but we actually think she’d calm down if she only learned how to play a new—and possibly more calming—sport… like, say, swimming. Or long-distance running.
Mother Gothel—Research (and implement) a new skincare regimen. Aging happens to everyone, it’s true—but if Mama G. had only taken better care of her skin as she was growing older (and not just relied on that special sunshine-infused flower), all that kidnapping nonsense might’ve never happened.
Hans—Marry for love, not sovereignty. Prince Hans Westergaard sure seemed like marriage material… until he revealed his true power-hungry motives and broke Anna’s heart. He may want to check out a few self-help books from the Southern Isles library before he goes back out on the singles’ market.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz—Take over the entire Tri-State Area. Poor Heinz… he maniacally tried to conquer New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut and was thwarted at every turn by Perry the Platypus. He may have moved on to other hobbies (like bowling), but we think 2016 could be the year he finally accomplishes his goal. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!”
Kylo Ren—Relax; enjoy the occasional spa day. This one is kind of a no-brainer as far as 2016 Resolutions go. Kylo Ren is wound up tighter than a watch bought at a Mandalorian marketplace! We think a spa visit—every couple of months—might bring him some much needed, calming “me time.”